By John Novick Jr., Head of School

Contemporary novelist and playwright Liza Palmer has written, “Angry is just sad’s bodyguard.” And we know with certainty from decades of psychological research that hurt people hurt people, as any degree of unresolved trauma can unwittingly be externalized as angry lashing out, even toward those we love.
 

So how might these insights into the natural, universal, and perfectly valid emotion we call “anger” be useful to our education and parenting of children? We know from brain research that when we are healthy emotional beings our capacity for learning, growth, and complex intellectual engagement expands dramatically. It is not an exaggeration to say that unlocking one’s full potential requires the ability to process all emotions, particularly the more negative ones, in healthy ways. And given how angry our politics have become and how little trust remains in the good intentions and abilities of others–and how the digiverse amplifies anger more than any previous incarnation of media–this question may be more significant for students today than ever before.

How, then, might Palmer’s insight be useful to us? We know that leading with curiosity; the genuine effort to listen deeply in order to understand; patience; compassion; and ultimately empathy–itself an incredibly valuable but finite resource in an individual, according to the research--these are the real power, collectively capable of lifting every child up, and all of us, too. Undoubtedly, working purposefully to build these capacities and develop these mindsets for ourselves and the children in our lives–and for most of us, that’s easier said than done, at least with consistency–is essential.

And then there’s this: psychologists believe that most anger (like all emotions, a litera bio-chemical reaction in our brain) subsides in about 90 seconds organically, presenting us all with a momentary choice we may not even be aware of: let the feeling expire naturally and try to unpack what it may have been rooted in--often having more to do with us than the other party--or resuscitate it, replay it in our heads, imagine stronger responses to the trigger, and kindle it, give it more room to grow than it merits.

Awareness of those few seconds of choice, when we can choose to let our own brain chemistry run its course (and help the children in our lives practice the same)—moving away from bodyguard mode to protect whatever sadness or insecurity has been triggered inside of us and toward thoughtful and clear-eyed introspection–may be one of the most challenging social-emotional skills to develop, but it’s also one of the most liberating, affirming, and empowering skills we can give our students and children.

The truth is, we seldom choose how we feel. But we can choose how we unpack how we feel, how we express our feelings, and when to let them die of natural causes. Teaching children to remember that they have these choices, always and forever, will serve them and their communities well today and in the future.